Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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