textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize