Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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