this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
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