She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
