i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
