so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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