OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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