nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
