But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
