I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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