You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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