I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
