More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Randomize