youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
