We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
