My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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