I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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