Please, let me fuck your mom
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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