im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
ugly people sure do ruin things
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
