i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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