I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
