So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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