I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Randomize
