Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
