she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
