If i could tip my vagina, i would.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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