Umm I'm too high to move.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
