i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
