I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
