I'd wear matching sweaters with you
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
