Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
