I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
