I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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