3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
this boner is exhausting
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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