When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
