My cat gives me a boner
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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