R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
