The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
