Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
