You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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