Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
