I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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