I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Verdict: uncircumcised.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
