When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
