I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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