somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
