i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
