My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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