At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize