everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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