Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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