did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize