Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize