so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
