i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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