I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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