Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
