i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
