Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
