He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
