She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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