Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
