You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
