I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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