he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
