my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
