Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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