Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
