I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
