You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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